Why are we thinking of this? #6

Last updated on June 7th, 2013 at 12:01 pm

Apologies dear readers for the long hiatus that this column of inane thought has accidentally taken. But we’re back for now and ready to think of even more stupid superhero problems.

Why doesn’t the Flash fall through the floor when he vibrates?

Alrighty, Flash fans or DC readers in general will know that the Flash is able to phase through solid matter like walls and bullets by vibrating his molecules really quickly. But if he is able to vibrate through walls…why don’t his feet fall through the floor at the same time? As he is vibrating, he in theory should immediately fall through the floor and fall either to the centre of the Earth or right to China!

Why do we hate Aquaman so much?

Aquaman is considered to be the lamest of the lame among the superhero crowd. Why is this? Is it due to his outfit? His set of powers which to most people revolve heavily around the ability to talk to fish? The interesting thing about that power is that while DC states that Aquaman’s ability allows him to talk to fish, where is it stated that they have to obey him? Have we ever seen a panel where a dolphin told him to piss off and ride on something else? Do you really think that this school of salmon swimming nearby want to leap into action and swarm Lex Luthor? The perception of his ineffectiveness probably stems from the Superfriends cartoon of the 70’s which DC tried to rectify by making Arthur really angry with a rugged beard and fish hook-hand. And did this make him seem like one of the A-listers of the Justice League? No, he just turned into a really angry guy off his meds and a pompous douchebag. It’s become engrained into popular culture to rag on Aquaman as seen by Family Guy and Craig Ferguson.

Does Iron Man ever have to use the washroom while he is in his armor?

Ok, this doesn’t necessarily apply only to Iron Man, it can apply to any person in an armored suit. Guys like Spider-Man and Captain America can probably quickly remove their pants when they need to drop a deuce. But the guys in armored suits can’t have an easy go of it due to the need to put their heavy armor on afterwards. Do they have like rear hatches where they can hover over the ocean and let fly with their armaments? Pee, you can reasonably assume they have some kind of on board vac system. Poo? Well, that would just cause one heck of a mess unless they have tubes in their butt during suit operation.

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