Crazy Comic Cover: Jimmy Olsen #125

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #125: “Superman’s Saddest Day!”

 

Why does Jimmy have to hurt his best friend so badly?
Why does Jimmy have to hurt his best friend so badly?

The Cover: Pure gold we tell you! Jimmy and Superman are doing what best buds do; sitting back and watching movies together. Of course they just happen to be watching what must be the saddest movie ever, since Superman is bawling like a baby. I like to think that the footage is a montage of Krypton exploding set to the soundtrack of an orphanage on fire while subliminal images of rhinos fighting babies are being flashed. While Superman is bawling like a baby being forced to fight a rhino, Jimmy is doing his best to suck up all of his tears with an eye dropper. What the frig, Jimmy? Have you found some crazy way to make money or cure cancer with his tears? Oh wait, did we mention that Jimmy Olsen is wearing one of the scariest grins on his face while telling Supes to not ask questions and keep bawling. Superman’s Pal my ass!

The Story: Our epic tale of sadness starts with Jimmy Olsen on vacation in the Caribbean. While diving in the ocean, Jimmy stumbles across a sunken galleon where he finds a book called the Lost Oracles of Nostradmus. Let’s just ignore the fact that the book is still intact after hundreds of years underwater and that Nostradamus probably didn’t write his books in English! Reading the book, Jimmy finds that if he combines the tears of a clown, king, killer and “kryptonian of renown” that he will acquire a power unknown to man. That’s right,; Nostradamus was such an awesome seer that he foretold the coming of Superman and how his tears could be used for awesomeness. Jimmy begins to immediately imagine what powers it could be; from a diamond touch like King Midas to telekinesis. Now the question is…if Jimmy Olsen knows the story of King Midas and how the gold touch prevented him from living properly…why would he want the same thing to happen with diamonds?

Going after the tears of a king first, Jimmy heads to the island kingdom of Dominia. Sneaking into the palace posing as a chef, Jimmy begins making a massive onion and pepper sandwich to feed to the king and his pugly daughter; Princess Lorita. When the sandwich fails to make the king cry, Jimmy looks to be in trouble; as the chubby princess has fallen head over heels in love with him for his cooking skills. But when informed of this development, the king begins to cry over her daughter marrying a commoner! Jimmy seizes this opporurtunity by letting the princess down gently and making off with the king’s tears (Jimmy is so efficient at this, he probably breaks hearts and makes off with the loot every week).

Next up are the tears of a clown. Stopping by the circus at Gotham City where Clarence; the world’s funniest clown is performing, Jimmy puts on a lion tamer’s outfit and is promptly assaulted by gorilla. Not letting a small thing like almost being used as a tissue by a monkey deter him, Jimmy takes the crazy unfathomable idea of paying for a ticket and sitting in the stands. As the show goes on, the Joker shows up to steal the diamonds from a visiting movie star, at which point Batman shows up and is immediately gassed by him. With Batman out of commission, Jimmy steps up and captures the Joker who begins crying over being caught by Jimmy Olsen (Yes, I too would be crying if Jimmy Olsen, cub reporter was the one who took me down). Of course, Jimmy takes the opportunity to take the Joker’s tears for his nefarious purposes. Two down and two to go!

 

Yes Batman, you have been gassed. Kudos on your ability to identify what gas is.
Yes Batman, you have been gassed. Kudos on your ability to identify what gas is.

Of course, being able to sink to depths no good person could sink to, Jimmy decides that the best way to get the tears from a killer is to get them right before the execution! Jimmy travels to an Eastern country where a killer is about to be executed for murdering the dictator of his country. But it turns out the killer has no remorse for his actions and doesn’t break down in tears as Jimmy the opportunist has hoped. But he’s still in luck! The executioner is bawling because he’s an executioner only because of family tradition!

We’re on the home stretch now! All that remains for Jimmy are the tears of a Kryptonian of renown…aka Superman since he was the only one around at the time! Summoning Superman to him, Jimmy shows him the book. Acting like a total dick to Supes by accusing him of not wanting competition, Jimmy gets Superman to help by taking him back to his Fortress of Solitude and looking at a carved model of his deceased parents in order to make him cry.

Not shown: Superman pimpslapping Jimmy for this act of dickery.
Not shown: Superman pimpslapping Jimmy for this act of dickery.

Dang, you truly are a classy king among men, Jimmy Olsen. The jerks of the world salute you! But even these busts aren’t enough to make Superman bust out the tears! Superman reminds Jimmy that he’s watched home videos of Krypton blowing up over and over so he’s all cried out. What? He watched his world get blown up over and over to the point that he doesn’t care anymore? Well, certainly not one to let things such as friendship get into his way of obtaining powers, Jimmy remembers there is one video that makes Superman cry without fail! What is this tear-jerker? Video of puppies being kicked? Someone stealing all the Lucky Charms? No, it turns out to be a documentary of Smallville which features a shot of the cemetery where Ma and Pa Kent are buried; causing Superman to drop a tear. Acting quickly, Jimmy mixes the tears together to form…. Glowing gas! Good job, Jimmy! Laughing it off, Superman takes Jimmy back home before flying off into deep space with the vial of gas. Far away from civilization, Superman reveals the true nature of the gas of really being an atomic bomb! That’s right, combining the tears of a Kryptonian with the tears of a killer, clown and king makes an atomic bomb. I bet none of you saw that one coming! Standing in a defiant pose as the nuke goes off in front of him, Superman closes this tale by pondering on how Nostradamus knew this would happen.

 The rating: 7/10 Superman crying? Check. Superman watching a film with Jimmy? Check. Jimmy Olsen laughing at the film? No check for you!

 

David Diep is the News Editor for ComicBookDaily and an assistant manager at Big B Comics in Hamilton, Ontario.

David Diep Written by:

David Diep is prone to flash rants when he thinks obsessively about random things in comicdom.

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