Time for another installment of Why are we thinking of this? Where we look at some of the bizarre things we can think about for comic book characters.
Male Star Sapphires:
Why are there no male Star Sapphires? Is it because men are incapable of love? We’re just a bunch of lust-filled sausages? Or simply because no one can really think of what kind of costume you would give to a male Star Sapphire? Or maybe because they realized that all Star Sapphires dress in provocative skimpy outfits which works great for all the female characters in comic books since there aren’t any unattractive superheroines, they’re all supermodels. On the flipside, I don’t think Batman or Superman in a thong will have quite the same effect on the readership. Chances are, a male Star Sapphire would dress like a Chippendales dancer and no male comic fan wants to see a full page splash of that!
While we’re on the topic of males and thongs. Why does the Sub-Mariner walk around with his junk exposed in a Speedo? Doesn’t he get cold? Does he never have to worry about shrinkage? Is it due to his half-Atlantean heritage that he can withstand the assault of cold water on his nether regions? Man, we’re only two articles into this series and I’ve written about more superhero junk than I ever thought I would have in my life. Another interesting thought about Namor is that he has a really messed up genetic heritage. Not only is he half-atlantean and half-human but he’s also a mutant? I’m surprised he doesn’t have some kind of superfluous third nipple on his butt or something.
Ghost Rider bodies:
Ok, Ghost Riders. We all know that they have flaming skulls and in Ghost Riders Heavens on Fire we have been shown that underneath their clothing, they are flaming skeletons as well. This forces the question about the fire that is emanating from their bodies; is it regular fire that emits heat or just for effect? As if it is giving off heat, it must be super uncomfortable to be near them in a team-up since you would just be sweating in your tight super-hero spandex. That also means if you were in a jam, you could whip out some hot dogs and marshmallows and have yourself a little roast using them as a fire. And let’s not even come close to forgetting about all the jokes about a Ghost Rider’s burning loins and hot nether regions! Those of you who read Daniel Way’s Ghost Riders series will also know there are female ghost riders in the series, which you can tell due to the chest protrusions in their outfits. But…where do they come from? We’ve already established that Ghost Riders are only flaming skeletons, so unless my knowledge of female anatomy is completely messed up, shouldn’t there be no chest protrusions in their clothing?
David Diep is a news editor at ComicBookDaily, an assistant manager at Big B Comics in Hamilton, Ontario and is known to wrestle bears when drunk.