“Dear Doc Curmudgeon” is a column by Clint McElroy made up of completely fabricated responses to mostly fabricated questions. But you knew that due to your discerning nature and brilliant mind which would never fall for a columnist trying to butter you up…unless you’re into that.
Dear Doc Curmudgeon,
Just wanted to let you know, we closed the action figure deal. Think about it: Your handsome likeness will be on shelves all over the continental United States and some featured toy dealers in Thailand. Hope you appreciate how hard I worked to make this happen!
Your Agent, Flem Skoozeman
Knowing that you get a 10 percent commission is all the thanks I need, your blood-sucking remora.
But the body is all wrong! I am built a lot better than that! In Real Life, there’s more bulge in my biceps! There’s more pep in my pecs! There’s more junk in my trunk!
I suppose, all-in-all, it’s not a terrible likeness. They did capture my impressive Ceasar of Augustus haircut. My twinkling blue eyes, which look like a deep Alpine river. Dare I say it? My cheeks are like roses! My nose like a cherry!
And then the Tweets started:
I suppose now that you have an action figure, we have to give you a series on the CW. Fine! But NO cross-overs. Okay, maybe one. ..with Jane the Virgin
I hope they come out with some accessories..like two bags to fit over your head
Boo bav by berbission –Sorry. Forgot to take the mask off.. You have my permission… to Die..cast
The life of an action figure is not for the feint of heart. You have to go to endless tea parties with Barbie and Midge. You get melted in microwaves. And chewed up pieces of you end up deposited in the yard when the dog does his business. But now you know. And knowing is half the battle– G.I.Joe!!!!!
Finally! I have something besides sticks and coal that I can deliver to bad little boys and girls
We’re having a little soiree at my Beach House. There will be imaginary tea and you’ll get a free make-over from a six year old girl.
–And bring your friend Stretch Armstrong. I saw him at the club. God, he’s hawt!
See you in the “2 For $1” box at Comicon
In truth, The figure is called Mac Attack. It was a gift from my son Travis and his bride Teresa and was made –with my ugly mug– by Heromods. It is ultimately cool and I hope no one is injured in the stampede to buy copies of mine.
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