A Thought About Transformers

You know that scene in Clerks where they talk about the second Deathstar explosion being problematic because really it was just bunch of space contractors that got killed? I had my own logical realization about Transformers the other day. Also this is what happens when you watch a bunch of Transformers and Top Gear episodes in one afternoon.

So if we watch the pilot episode of the original animated television show we see that the Autobots and Decepticons crash on Earth and they stay dormant until Teletran 1 comes back on-line and fixes all the robots by scanning similar vehicles around the crash site. This explains why the Autobots and Decepticons aren’t all sci-fi but really are just some jets and cars from the 80s. But here is the thing; almost all the cars that the Autobots become are ridiculously high-end.

Optimus Prime: He is a cab-over engine truck. It is probably the greatest toy ever designed. And the vehicle choice makes sense. No argument.

Brawn: Land Rover Defender.

Bluestreak: Datsun 280ZX

Bumblebee: Volkswagen Beetle.

Cliffjumper: Porsche 924 Turbo

Hound: Mitsubishi Military Jeep

Ironhide: Nissan Onebox

Jazz: Porshe 935

Mirage: Liger F1 Racer

Prowl: Datsun cop car

Ratchet: Nissan Onebox Ambulance. Again, this made sense because he was the doctor.

Sideswipe: Lamborghini Countach

Sunstreaker: Lamborghini Countach

Trailbreaker: Toyota Hilux

Wheeljack: Lancia Stratos Turbo

Windcharger: Pontiac Firebird Trans-Am

See anything that catches you as odd? Perhaps that a computer that was so damaged that it fixed both the Autobots and their sworn enemies randomly chooses a ridiculously high percentage of top end cars? And they just happened to be close enough to the crash site? The Decepticons made sense. The US had a bunch of military bases that could have jets, but the choice of super-cars in middle America was pretty slim.

Really, either Teletran 1 would scan the whole world and everyone would be a super car (I guess it closely matches Cybertronian speed levels) or every Autobot should be a 1984 Ford POS.

This is the kind of stuff we think about on slow days at CBD. Seriously guys, everything I write can be worthy of a Pulitzer.

Anthony Falcone
Anthony Falcone

Anthony Falcone is a freelance writer living in Toronto and he is the Ayatollah of Rocknrolla. You should definitely follow him on Twitter.

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  1. When you go back to the house of your youth it looks smaller. When you watch cartoons from your youth they don’t always make sense. I tried to watch an episode of Ren and Stimpy a couple months ago, I now wonder what was wrong with me.

  2. Maybe Teletran-1 likes cool cars?

    If Teletran-1 was a redneck all the autobots would be Dodge Chargers and pick-up trucks.

  3. You missed the scene where Teletran 1 was reprogammed by people from Hasbro (and whatever Japanese company preceded them), who realized that Lamborghinis and Porches make better toys than Pintos and Chevettes.

  4. i luv transformers i still have some of the toys from wen i was a boy and i can watch the cartoon wen ever i want 2 because i have the whole series at my house

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