It’s time for another update from BIFF SOCKO, TWO-FISTED NEWSHOUND. Biff Socko covers Comic Book News like zits on the A-V Club. Faster than Perry White! Stronger than J. Jonah Jameson! He is…BIFF SOCKO!
Through my usual secret sources, teams of uber-hackers, and hours of dumpster diving, I have discovered the SECRET RESOLUTIONS OF THE SUPER-STARS OF COMICS.
Prepare to stand amazed!
LOIS LANE: I resolve to not be so accepting when he tells me: “No, I have no idea who would leave a Golden Lariat tied to my bedpost. Huh. Weird”
PETER PARKER: I resolve to put a Reboot Button on my consciousness.
RICK GRIMES: I resolve to ask for a vacation…maybe a cross-over appearance in BETTY AND VERONICA.
SCOTT SUMMERS: I resolve to take more naked pictures of Emma if I ever get a shot at that again.
OLIVER QUEEN: I resolve to get as cut as the guy playing me on “Arrow”.
DEADPOOL: I resolve to ask Brian Posehn for Sara Silverman’s autograph… on my ass.
CHRISTIAN WALKER: I resolve to convince Oeming to draw me with a bigger package.
FIRESTORM: I resolve to find a foundation that really works with my skintone.
KINSEY LOCKE: I resolve to simplify my life by taking all doors off their hinges and replacing them with those Vietnamese bamboo curtains.
TONY STARK: I resolve to make my nephews stop sticking refrigerator magnets to my back where I can’t reach them.
BATMAN: I resolve to kick Christian Bale in the nards for dooming me to talking like I have emphysema for the rest of my life.
HANK McCOY: I resolve to be as cool as Brian Michael Bendis writes me.
YOUNGER VERSION OF HANK McCOY: Yeah. What HE said.
GRIMBLE: I resolve to talk Willingham into putting Barbara Eden in the book.
ALAN SCOTT: I resolve to look into this ‘weakness to wood’ thing… because I’m afraid that might include Morning Wood.
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