The Bear Necessities-Missives From the Frozen Tundra

“Dear Doc Curmudgeon” is a column by Clint McElroy made up of completely fabricated responses to mostly fabricated questions. But you knew that due to your discerning nature and brilliant mind which would never fall for a columnist trying to butter you up…unless you’re into that.

Well Curmudgeonites, your old saddle pal Doc is really up to his well-muscled hiney in polar bears today. With very little exaggeration, I can say we have had approximately 250 feet of snow in the last three days, which has drastically increased the polar bears hunting perimeter, and since they still have it out for me for accidentally running over one of the Coca Cola polars during my moped tour across Antarctica last year…I guess Ursine Blood Vendetta is a fair enough description

So I only have the time to cauterize my seeping claw wounds with my wife’s curling iron, sharpen my Beau Smith edition of the 9” Bowie Knife for my next white furry encounter, and dash off a few responses to fake e-mails that have been piling up in fake e-mail bag.


Dear Doc Curmudgeon,

Welcome. We at Comixology welcome your patronage and look forward to having a successful comic book experience for a long time to come. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.




Alllllrighty then…

Why aren’t your digital comics cheaper than the actual printed ones?

I understand that you still have to pay the creators, the writers, artists, colorists, etc. But there are no costs of distribution. No paper expenses. No shipping. Hell, you don’t even have staples.

So, why am I paying the same amount for a non-corporeal digital version on my Kindle? Short of bagging and boarding my device, how do I collect digital comics? Am I just one electromagnetic burst away from having my entire digital collection Cloud-jacked?

It seems to me, you are making a massive mistake, not charging less for digital comics. They are convenient, I’ll give you that. But that might be a negative too. Getting up and going to the comic shop may be the only exposure to sunlight some fans get. The body needs that Vitamin D!


Dear Doc Curmudgeon,

I have been going through Previews and I’m really scared! Everything is going to end! Like next month! Things are gonna Converge and there are gonna be all these Wars that are gonna be Secret! And according to Previews: “Nothing will ever be the same again!” How am I supposed to run a country when something like that happens?”



The President of the U.S. of A

Don’t worry sir, if those are anything like past mega-events,  3 things will happen:

  1. A minor character will die (either a member of the Great Lakes Avengers or the Legion of Substitute Super Heroes)
  2. A new super team will be created (Gulf of Mexico Avengers, Legion of Super Hero Interns)
  3. A massive, unstoppable celestial force will bring the entire cosmos to the brink of disaster, only to be stopped by the simplest of things…the human heart. And some ray gun.


Dear Doc Curmudgeon,

Man, I am so sick of your smugness and your arrogance, but mostly I am sick of how you go on and on and on. You must love reading your own words! I bet my pal Marty 20 bucks that you couldn’t answer a question in less than three words. Whaddaya say to that?



Rosie O’Donnell

Marty wins.

If you loved what you just read, leave a comment, or better yet, send a message to [email protected]. If you didn’t like it, send a message to mxyzptlk@kltpzyxm. Ir just follow him on Twitter @doccurm.

Clint McElroy
Clint McElroy

Clint McElroy is a/an (ADJECTIVE) writer with a God-given gift for (NOUN). His favorite activities include (ACTIVE VERB), (ACTIVE VERB), and twisting the heads off of (PLURAL NOUN). He is also rumored to possess an impressive (NOUN).

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