“Dear Doc Curmudgeon” is a column by Clint McElroy made up of completely fabricated responses to mostly fabricated questions. But you knew that due to your discerning nature and brilliant mind which would never fall for a columnist trying to butter you up…unless you’re into that.
Dear Doc Curmudgeon,
You and me. We’ve been through a lot, Doc. We haven’t always seen eye to eye on everything. It ain’t always been “Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm”. More like “Donovan’s Reef” with Lee Marvin and the Duke. But I respect your opinion. That’s why I am reaching out to you. I am coming up on my last Wolverine movie ever. I want to know what you want to see in it.
Our friendship has been turbulent, I will agree. There have been tough times. There have been good times. And their have been bizarre times (I still think you’re the one who set me up with those “Siamese Triplets”). But we have always been honest with each other so I will let you have it with both barrels, because I would like to see you go out with a blue flame…
What You Need To Do In The Last Wolverine Movie–
- Wear the Costume- Yeah, the full-on yellow and blue, striped Herb Trimpe outfit. You say you got the cajones? Let’s see you make at least ONE appearance in the original costume. With the Lucha Libre mask! Not even the cooler Dave Cockrum version. I’m talking about the one with whiskers
- Be Short- That was the first thing we noticed about Wolvie. Everybody else towered above him which meant he embodied Short Man Syndrome. When he faced off against anybody except Puck of Alpha Flight, it looked like he was at a disadvantage… a sort of under-height underdog. Embrace the Frodo
- Have a Canadian Accent- Come on, Hugh! You’ve done every other accent out there. For God’s sake, you were a Sooner cowboy in “Oklahoma”! Surely you could muster up an “Aboot”, or a “Hoser”. Try “Good day, eh”, not “G’Day, Mate”.
- Don’t Lose You Mutant Healing Ability- It seems like once a movie, they pull this gimmick. Writers justify it, saying it causes tension by making Wolvie vulnerable. We worry about your mortality. The only problem is, super-heroes are defined by their powers and abilities. It’s what makes Wolverine, Wolverine. Changing those parameters is lazy storytelling.
- No Teaching – Wolverine should be cold and hairy. Not warm and fuzzy. Turning Logan into a teacher was the first step in a story arc that led to him being turned into an Adamantium lawn gnome
6.) Don’t Go To Japan, Alaska, Schenectady, Etc- Go to some super-baddy’s secret lair.. and-
7.) Fight, Fight, Fight- I can’t think of a memorable fight scene in any Wolverine movie. They are either over too fast, or some other X-Man intercedes, or whomever is serving as your super sidekick for that particular movie. I want at least one extended brouhaha where you just flat-out bring the ruckus. You, going slice ‘n dice on every henchman, thug and crony they can throw at you. Using Wolvie’s speed, agility, and ginsu hands, give us a reason to cement you as one of the all-time great movie action heroes. You want a template? Watch “The Raid”.
8.) Quit Sharing! – Quit sharing screen time. (See #7, in reference to sidekicks, teammates and opening a solo can of whup-ass). And Please quit sharing emotions. Can we have one Wolverine screen appearance without you holding the crumpled body of “the great love of your life”, while screaming at the heavens to a camera looking down on you while tears stream down your face like a sixth-grader who just found out they have to get braces? Embrace the Berzerker, Hugh. Shun the Sensitive. And by all means, Jettison the Jean. I love looking at Famke Janssen as much as the next fanboy, but enough is enough.
I promise, if you make that movie,you really will be the best there is at what you do…bub.
If you loved what you just read, leave a comment, or better yet, send a message to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you didn’t like it, send a message to mxyzptlk@kltpzyxm. Or just follow him on Twitter @doccurm.