Saying Goodbye to Clark, Andrew, and Jughead

“Dear Doc Curmudgeon” is a column by Clint McElroy made up of completely fabricated responses to mostly fabricated questions. But you knew that due to your discerning nature and brilliant mind which would never fall for a columnist trying to butter you up…unless you’re into that.

Dear Doc Curmudgeon,

I’m reading a lot of Internet chatter criticizing the choice of Tom Holland to play Spider-Man in upcoming Marvel movies, calling him too young and inexperienced. I must disagree. True, he does not have a long resume of appearances but he was remarkable in the movie “The Impossible”, an amazing movie that had such low box office receipts the entire audience could have driven to the show in one mid-sized SUV.


Tom Holland


I don’t object to your…his experience. I just grow concerned with Hollywood’s penchant for New, New, New! Fresh Faces. Pretty soon producers will be sitting in on expectant mothers ultrasounds, pointing at the screens and saying “I’m gonna make you a Star, baby!

Dear Doc Curmudgeon,

Hey, me and Jughead wanted to know if you’d meet us down at Pop’s Choklit Shop after the Pep Rally? Betty and Veronica might be there! But don’t say anything to that rat-fink Reggie!


Archie Andrews


Arch, my buddy, my amigo, my bro-heim! Aren’t you getting ready for a big image change? I’ve seen your new look on the 150 variant covers being offered for you July revamp roll-out! You look very sharp! Somebody re-styled your hair to get rid of the tic-tac-toe boards on the sides of your head! Very Ed Sheeran. Climbing out of a boss ride! You got your guitar slung on your back (No more sweater vests. Nice!) Congratulations, Dude! You finally made it:

You’re one of the Cool Kids!

So, you are going to have to make some lifestyle changes to fit the new social status.

Gonna have to jettison Jughead. You are never going to maintain your uber-cool standing with a dorky-looking pal who wears one of those Burger King crowns 24-7!

Pop’s Choklit Shop? Are you kidding me? You don’t want to be caught dead at that place. You need to hang with the It Crowd at the Vapor Bar.

Veronica, maybe. Her old man is loaded and can probably pull mucho strings to get you some cushy internship somewhere. But Betty? Puh-leeze, dude. She listens to Taylor Swift!

Out of the whole bunch, the only one you should be hanging out with is Reggie. The new you and he should be besties.

Dear Doc Curmudgeon,

What??? No more Clark Kent? He’s just…gone? Is this for real?


Bibbo Bibbowski


I have to assume it’s real, Bibster. I’ll prove it to you. Here’s a piece from his obituary in the Daily Planet:

Mr. Kent is preceded in death by his mother and his father (when he’s not an interactive hologram of Russell Crowe), his adopted parents (in some realities), his cousin (before Crisis on Infinite Earths was reversed recently), his dog, George Reeves and himself (Thanks a lot, Doomsday)

He enjoyed broom closets and phone booths, brisk walks across the North Pole and lying to his closest friends about needing to wear glasses. He also enjoyed ripping his clothes off in alleyways… fortunately, no charges ever stuck.

He is survived by his former wife, reporter Lois Lane, who made this statement “Maybe you out to fly around the planet backwards and turn back time to a point where you didn’t dump me for some Paradise Island tramp!!”

In lieu of flowers, you are asked to donate to Lexcorp

If you loved what you just read, leave a comment, or better yet, send a message to [email protected]. If you didn’t like it, send a message to mxyzptlk@kltpzyxm. Or just follow him on Twitter @doccurm.

Clint McElroy
Clint McElroy

Clint McElroy is a/an (ADJECTIVE) writer with a God-given gift for (NOUN). His favorite activities include (ACTIVE VERB), (ACTIVE VERB), and twisting the heads off of (PLURAL NOUN). He is also rumored to possess an impressive (NOUN).

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Ian Hall
Ian Hall
8 years ago

Clark Kent isn’t necessary as long as there is a superman. You gotta have superman. The ghost Nietzsche must be appeased.