“Dear Doc Curmudgeon” is a column by Clint McElroy made up of completely fabricated responses to mostly fabricated questions. But you knew that due to your discerning nature and brilliant mind which would never fall for a columnist trying to butter you up…unless you’re into that.

Dear Doc Curmudgeon,

As a hotshot Hollywood movie producer, I am a very busy guy. You know all we make any more are movies based on comic books, so it’s important that I find out all I can about Marvel’s 45 new titles coming out in a couple of months. Here’s the thing: I can’t time out from sucking Jello shooters off the bellies of Sports Illustrated Bathing Suit Models, or practicing my swan dives into Olympic-size pools of hundred dollar bills to do the research. So I hope you can tell me what’s coming, so I can figure out which television actor I am gonna make super-rich.

Sincerely,

MONTAGUE ST. MOGUL

To be honest Monty, all I have to go on are the covers, but fortunately for you, I am pretty damned brilliant about this stuff. You movie dudes specialize in elevator pitches, I know. Those“ ________ meets __________” summaries that get across the movie’s concept in one phrase, so I have conveniently developed those pitches for you.

A-Force-590x806

“Orange Is the New Black” meets “Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill”

Agent-of-SHIELD-590x807

“Mission: Impossible” meets “Heroes”

All-New-All-Different-Avengers-590x787

“The Replacements” meets Oscar Night Seat Fillers

All-New-X-Men-590x808

“The Monkees” meets “Little Miss Sunshine”

All-New-Wolverine-590x808

“Buffy” meets “Clone Wars”

Amazing-Spider-man-590x814

Steve Wozniak meets “M.A.S.K.”

Anegla-Asgards-Assassin-590x811

“Hitman meets Wagners “Ring Cycle”

Ant-man-590x819

“Wiseguy” meets “The Incredible Shrinking Man”

Captain-Marvel-590x811

“Top Gun” meets the Victoria’s Secret Catalogue

Carnage-590x812

“American Horror Story” meets Your First Salvia Experience

Contest-of-Champions-590x803

“Battle of the Super-Friends” meets Super Mario Brothers

Daredevil-590x814

“The Equalizer” meets “The Sorceror’s Apprentice”

Deadpool-590x806

Mad Magazine meets “Celebrity Death Match”

Doctor-Strange-590x810

Chris Angel meets Paul Bunyan

Drax-590x811

“Monday Night Raw” meets “Mork and Mindy”

Extraordinary-X-Men-590x809

“The Expendables” meets KFC Original Recipe

Guardians-of-the-Galaxy-590x769

“Star Trek” meets “The Nut Job”

Hawkeye-590x808

Katniss Everdeen meets “On Golden Pond”

Howard-the-Duck-590x817

Louis C.K. meets AFLAC

Howling-Commandos-of-SHIELD-590x805

“The Dirty Dozen” meets “Famous Monsters of Filmland”

Illuminati-590x759

“The Usual Suspects” meets “Thunderbolts”

Invincible-Iron-Man-1-Cover-88069-590x456

“American Beauty” meets Lego

Karnak-590x813

“Kung Fu” meets Your Mother-In-Law

The-Mighty-Thor-590x805 (1)

Lord of the Rings meets “The Big C”

Ms-Marvel-590x809

“Cathy” meets “Hannah Montana”

New-Avengers-590x805

The Fresh Beats Band meets “Ranma 1/2”

Nova-590x816

“Green Lantern” meets “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father”

Old-Man-Logan-590x807

“American Psycho” meets the AARP

Sam-Wilson-Captain-America-590x812

“America the Beautiful” meets “Divorce Court”

Scarlet-Witch-590x782

“Sabrina the Teenage Witch” meets A Crazy Bag Lady

Silk-590x806

“Bonnie and Clyde” meets “The Legend of Billie Jean”

Spider-Gwen-590x805

“Arrow” meets “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”

Spider-man-590x809

“Chuck” meets Troy and Abed in the Morning

Spider-man-2099-590x810

“Charlotte’s Web” meets “Back to the Future”

Spider-woman-590x807

“Covert Affairs” meets “Sex in the City”

Squadron-Supreme-590x805

“Justice League” meets Marvel’s Legal Staff

Star-Lord-590x796

“The Right Stuff” meets “Parks and Recreation”

The-Totally-Awesome-Hulk-590x798

Lou Ferrigno meets Bucky Barnes

Ultimates-590x818

“Independence Day” meets “The Wire”

Uncanny-Avengers-590x801

The United Nations meets G.I. Joe

Uncanny-Inhumans-590x802

“Freaks and Geeks” meets the Royal Family

Uncanny-X-Men-590x808

“Metal Gear” meets the Symbionese Liberation Army

Venom-Spaceknight-590x826

Calvin and Hobbes meets Bassmasters

Vision-590x807

“Small Wonder” meets “Modern Family”

Web-Warriors-590x806

Radioactive Spiders meets “Dr. Who”

If you loved what you just read, leave a comment, or better yet, send a message to macmcelroyjr@gmail.com. If you didn’t like it, send a message to mxyzptlk@kltpzyxm. Or just follow him on Twitter @doccurm.