“Dear Doc Curmudgeon” is a column by Clint McElroy made up of completely fabricated responses to mostly fabricated questions. But you knew that due to your discerning nature and brilliant mind which would never fall for a columnist trying to butter you up…unless you’re into that.
Dear Doc Curmudgeon,
As a hotshot Hollywood movie producer, I am a very busy guy. You know all we make any more are movies based on comic books, so it’s important that I find out all I can about Marvel’s 45 new titles coming out in a couple of months. Here’s the thing: I can’t time out from sucking Jello shooters off the bellies of Sports Illustrated Bathing Suit Models, or practicing my swan dives into Olympic-size pools of hundred dollar bills to do the research. So I hope you can tell me what’s coming, so I can figure out which television actor I am gonna make super-rich.
Sincerely,
MONTAGUE ST. MOGUL
To be honest Monty, all I have to go on are the covers, but fortunately for you, I am pretty damned brilliant about this stuff. You movie dudes specialize in elevator pitches, I know. Those“ ________ meets __________” summaries that get across the movie’s concept in one phrase, so I have conveniently developed those pitches for you.
“Orange Is the New Black” meets “Faster Pussycat, Kill, Kill”
“Mission: Impossible” meets “Heroes”
“The Replacements” meets Oscar Night Seat Fillers
“The Monkees” meets “Little Miss Sunshine”
“Buffy” meets “Clone Wars”
Steve Wozniak meets “M.A.S.K.”
“Hitman meets Wagners “Ring Cycle”
“Wiseguy” meets “The Incredible Shrinking Man”
“Top Gun” meets the Victoria’s Secret Catalogue
“American Horror Story” meets Your First Salvia Experience
“Battle of the Super-Friends” meets Super Mario Brothers
“The Equalizer” meets “The Sorceror’s Apprentice”
Mad Magazine meets “Celebrity Death Match”
Chris Angel meets Paul Bunyan
“Monday Night Raw” meets “Mork and Mindy”
“The Expendables” meets KFC Original Recipe
“Star Trek” meets “The Nut Job”
Katniss Everdeen meets “On Golden Pond”
Louis C.K. meets AFLAC
“The Dirty Dozen” meets “Famous Monsters of Filmland”
“The Usual Suspects” meets “Thunderbolts”
“American Beauty” meets Lego
“Kung Fu” meets Your Mother-In-Law
Lord of the Rings meets “The Big C”
“Cathy” meets “Hannah Montana”
The Fresh Beats Band meets “Ranma 1/2”
“Green Lantern” meets “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father”
“American Psycho” meets the AARP
“America the Beautiful” meets “Divorce Court”
“Sabrina the Teenage Witch” meets A Crazy Bag Lady
“Bonnie and Clyde” meets “The Legend of Billie Jean”
“Arrow” meets “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”
“Chuck” meets Troy and Abed in the Morning
“Charlotte’s Web” meets “Back to the Future”
“Covert Affairs” meets “Sex in the City”
“Justice League” meets Marvel’s Legal Staff
“The Right Stuff” meets “Parks and Recreation”
Lou Ferrigno meets Bucky Barnes
“Independence Day” meets “The Wire”
The United Nations meets G.I. Joe
“Freaks and Geeks” meets the Royal Family
“Metal Gear” meets the Symbionese Liberation Army
Calvin and Hobbes meets Bassmasters
“Small Wonder” meets “Modern Family”
Radioactive Spiders meets “Dr. Who”
If you loved what you just read, leave a comment, or better yet, send a message to [email protected]. If you didn’t like it, send a message to mxyzptlk@kltpzyxm. Or just follow him on Twitter @doccurm.
